As A Whole New Year Is Starting to approach, I decided to try and recap what mistakes..or good things happened in 2013.
1.I still can't take a decent Selfie or "turn up" or Twerk as good as Miley Cyrus..haha just kidding.
2.Amanda Bynes is now insane. So..Jennifer Lawrence is my queen now.
3.I wasn't obsessed with Candy Crush or any of that Snap Chat crap.
4. I cried when Cory Monteith (especially Cory), Paul Walker, and many others passed away.
5. But, I smiled when some famous babies were born.
6. I got a boyfriend and..7.I lost him.
8.I moved on and I met a boy...
9. I lost him too. (I will tell you about him later.)
Finally, 10. I felt..different but I knew I was the same person. It was weird yet complicated.
I just hope this year won't be as fucked up as 2013, But I'm pretty sure it would.
Except..what is it with all these people saying "New Year, New Me." NO.
I don't really have any New Year resolutions, I don't want to change. Even If It's 2045, with freaking flying cars and robots taking over the world, I will forever be a awkward wallflower. I will be me whether anyone likes it or not. Well if you excuse me, I am going to prevent fireworks burning my hair off..again. I want to wish you all a Happy New Year!
Love,
A
P.S. Don't worry about me not writing anymore. I'll be back. I always come back.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
What If: A Poem By "A'"
What If Fairy Tales actually exist?
What If We Actually Lived 'Happily Ever After'?
What if you actually had feelings for me from the beginning in the first place and you still do?
What If you want me back and would do anything at all to make me happy?
What If I leave you wondering?
What if you wanted to be with me forever?
Yeah, what if you are the one left feeling like complete shit?
What if I'm the one who broke your heart into millions of pieces?
What if I lied and told you I liked you?
What if I just ignored you, pretending that you don't exist in my world anymore?
What if I made you feel helpless, depressed,heartbroken?
What if I was a complete douchebag, liked someone else, and didn't talk to you ever again?
What if you knew that the person you liked will never like you at all?
........Yeah, That's what I fucking thought.
Love,
A
What If We Actually Lived 'Happily Ever After'?
What if you actually had feelings for me from the beginning in the first place and you still do?
What If you want me back and would do anything at all to make me happy?
What If I leave you wondering?
What if you wanted to be with me forever?
Yeah, what if you are the one left feeling like complete shit?
What if I'm the one who broke your heart into millions of pieces?
What if I lied and told you I liked you?
What if I just ignored you, pretending that you don't exist in my world anymore?
What if I made you feel helpless, depressed,heartbroken?
What if I was a complete douchebag, liked someone else, and didn't talk to you ever again?
What if you knew that the person you liked will never like you at all?
........Yeah, That's what I fucking thought.
Love,
A
Gone. Another Letter.
Dear Charming,
First of all, before I start putting you on a guilt trip, Merry Christmas you Filthy Animal. And A Happy New Year! I literally don't even know what to say to you anymore. What should I even say, "How are you doing?" Because I already know, you seem really happy without me.
I always see you glancing at me for a second, as your gleaming eyes just stare into my depressed soul. Then, you just go back into being yet 'one of them' and forget about me. Why do you that?
When you look at me, I may be looking that I got over you completely. I just have a habit of pretending I'm ok. If you really knew me, you would know that I am not over you.
Except...I am mostly over you. I can't really tell these days. Every single year ever since you left, I would always try to find a guy for me. But, no one can be you. You were different than all of them, you accepted me! You created a deadly monster: me. I just hope, deep down inside, you are the Charming, amazing guy that I knew. Not the one who forgot me. But guess what? I am 99.9% completely over you. ...It's just that 0.1% is dragging me down. I am going to forget about you though, don't worry. Well..I guess that's it. I will see you next time in the hallways, where you totally act like I don't exist. It's Ok though. I promise, one of these days, I will do the same.
Not Love, Not Hate.. Just a simple ","
A.
First of all, before I start putting you on a guilt trip, Merry Christmas you Filthy Animal. And A Happy New Year! I literally don't even know what to say to you anymore. What should I even say, "How are you doing?" Because I already know, you seem really happy without me.
I always see you glancing at me for a second, as your gleaming eyes just stare into my depressed soul. Then, you just go back into being yet 'one of them' and forget about me. Why do you that?
When you look at me, I may be looking that I got over you completely. I just have a habit of pretending I'm ok. If you really knew me, you would know that I am not over you.
Except...I am mostly over you. I can't really tell these days. Every single year ever since you left, I would always try to find a guy for me. But, no one can be you. You were different than all of them, you accepted me! You created a deadly monster: me. I just hope, deep down inside, you are the Charming, amazing guy that I knew. Not the one who forgot me. But guess what? I am 99.9% completely over you. ...It's just that 0.1% is dragging me down. I am going to forget about you though, don't worry. Well..I guess that's it. I will see you next time in the hallways, where you totally act like I don't exist. It's Ok though. I promise, one of these days, I will do the same.
Not Love, Not Hate.. Just a simple ","
A.
Monday, December 16, 2013
Fear of Broken Hearts
Well..It's Official. Puppy admitted his feelings to me. Dammit.
He just, spitted it out. Yes, he is sweet and so caring but..I don't know. I really don't like friend-zoning people. It's worse than actually being friend-zoned. I didn't want to break his heart just by saying no. He shouldn't have told me that in the first place, that literally threw a nuclear bomb in our relationship. (To be honest, I actually knew that he liked me. It was more obvious than realizing a zebra had stripes.) So, I just told him the complete truth: I liked him but I don't think I'm ready to be in a relationship. It's True. I'm scared. My biggest fear in history is to get my heart crushed into a billion pieces. I'm waiting for the right boy to take me away from this town, to see the city lights in New York. To be there for me, no matter what. I am tired of thinking that these guys would be mine forever, when now guys to just tend to lead you on. They trick you into thinking they like you but, all of a sudden...they break you. I don't want that to happen.
He just, spitted it out. Yes, he is sweet and so caring but..I don't know. I really don't like friend-zoning people. It's worse than actually being friend-zoned. I didn't want to break his heart just by saying no. He shouldn't have told me that in the first place, that literally threw a nuclear bomb in our relationship. (To be honest, I actually knew that he liked me. It was more obvious than realizing a zebra had stripes.) So, I just told him the complete truth: I liked him but I don't think I'm ready to be in a relationship. It's True. I'm scared. My biggest fear in history is to get my heart crushed into a billion pieces. I'm waiting for the right boy to take me away from this town, to see the city lights in New York. To be there for me, no matter what. I am tired of thinking that these guys would be mine forever, when now guys to just tend to lead you on. They trick you into thinking they like you but, all of a sudden...they break you. I don't want that to happen.
Sunday, December 15, 2013
The Guy Who Started It All
I noticed that ever since I started writing this blog, I only mentioned "the biggest douchebag I have ever met" in my first post. To be honest, I was afraid to talk about him. Might as well talk about the guy now than never. Not only was he a douchebag, he was the guy who started all of my terrible, sucky problems. He was my first love, the one who broke my heart the most..even though I never even had him.
I am going to call him "Charming", because that's what he was. A really charming, nice, guy. We had know each other for a long time, mostly in the same class at school. Although we were complete opposites (He was a complete jock and I was a ugly duckling.), opposites attract right? We were together like peanut butter and jelly. All the girls wanted him but suddenly he was always there for me, no matter what. He was the only guy who understand every little fucked up thing about me and loved it. I thought we were going to be friends until the end, maybe even more.
I was really wrong. He left me, alone. I didn't really know what to do anymore, everyday I just looked out the front door and think he would come back. But, he never did. Those years without him were by far the worst. I cracked my shell and my life turned into hell. I really wanted him in my arms again. I struggled to turn into myself again, I even tried talking to other guys. But, Charming was different.
Years later, we reunited..well..not exactly. Now, I see him sometimes in the hallways, with him and his asshole friends. We both glance at each other, but then continue living our lifes. Everyone told me that Charming turned into one of them. I guess you can say it's true. But, I know deep inside, he is the same guy I fell in love with. And Although I think of him as a huge douchebag, deep inside I still wonder if someday, he will come back to me and be with me forever. I don't ever think he will.
Love,
A
I am going to call him "Charming", because that's what he was. A really charming, nice, guy. We had know each other for a long time, mostly in the same class at school. Although we were complete opposites (He was a complete jock and I was a ugly duckling.), opposites attract right? We were together like peanut butter and jelly. All the girls wanted him but suddenly he was always there for me, no matter what. He was the only guy who understand every little fucked up thing about me and loved it. I thought we were going to be friends until the end, maybe even more.
I was really wrong. He left me, alone. I didn't really know what to do anymore, everyday I just looked out the front door and think he would come back. But, he never did. Those years without him were by far the worst. I cracked my shell and my life turned into hell. I really wanted him in my arms again. I struggled to turn into myself again, I even tried talking to other guys. But, Charming was different.
Years later, we reunited..well..not exactly. Now, I see him sometimes in the hallways, with him and his asshole friends. We both glance at each other, but then continue living our lifes. Everyone told me that Charming turned into one of them. I guess you can say it's true. But, I know deep inside, he is the same guy I fell in love with. And Although I think of him as a huge douchebag, deep inside I still wonder if someday, he will come back to me and be with me forever. I don't ever think he will.
Love,
A
The Good, The Bad, and The Emotionless.
I literally weep for humanity. Why must there be labels for everyone? I guess I'm the freak. the wallflower. People think about people in the most horrible ways when they don't fucking know them.
For Example, I am surprised me and Pear's first ex girlfriend (Let's call her..Barbie) are talking. We are actually really good friends. When I was dating him, she was shocked because she never think he would move on. But now that me and him were never anything special, Barbie and I just suddenly formed a bond. People call her a slutty liar but in reality, she is a real person who actually has feelings too. Barbie is in most of my classes and as I talk to her more, I begin to realize that she isn't such a bad person after all. Also, whenever I see her I always think "How can Pear go to dating her then TO ME?" Seriously. I wouldn't be caught dead wearing pink everyday. I rather be dead.
Although there can be good people, there can be bad. I can't really name anyone since there are too many. All these bad people's goal in life to make you break, to destroy you any way possible.
How could all these people try to break me..when I was already broken in the first place? Whenever I try to be happy as I can be, something bad happens. I'm not depressed. I'm not even sad. I'm..emotionless. I don't even know how to feel anymore. I don't know what to do in my life. I just watch the world going by, wondering what the fuck is wrong with me. I actually think I can survive though. I don't need anyone who doesn't need me. Which means..I don't need anyone at all. If I'm not that special, nobody needs me.
Love,
A
For Example, I am surprised me and Pear's first ex girlfriend (Let's call her..Barbie) are talking. We are actually really good friends. When I was dating him, she was shocked because she never think he would move on. But now that me and him were never anything special, Barbie and I just suddenly formed a bond. People call her a slutty liar but in reality, she is a real person who actually has feelings too. Barbie is in most of my classes and as I talk to her more, I begin to realize that she isn't such a bad person after all. Also, whenever I see her I always think "How can Pear go to dating her then TO ME?" Seriously. I wouldn't be caught dead wearing pink everyday. I rather be dead.
Although there can be good people, there can be bad. I can't really name anyone since there are too many. All these bad people's goal in life to make you break, to destroy you any way possible.
How could all these people try to break me..when I was already broken in the first place? Whenever I try to be happy as I can be, something bad happens. I'm not depressed. I'm not even sad. I'm..emotionless. I don't even know how to feel anymore. I don't know what to do in my life. I just watch the world going by, wondering what the fuck is wrong with me. I actually think I can survive though. I don't need anyone who doesn't need me. Which means..I don't need anyone at all. If I'm not that special, nobody needs me.
Love,
A
Friday, December 13, 2013
I'm Finally Giving Up On You.
I can't explain how painful it is to wait for someone that never comes. He never will come back.
It's been a long time and to my surprise..I'm finally over him (Pear). All these bitches keep asking "why don't you talk about him anymore?" Well although my feelings for him are bipolar, He isn't special to me anymore. He is nothing to me! He's just..a guy. He doesn't fucking poop skittles or anything like that. But, I don't hate him at all. I'm not Taylor Swift, I don't want to ruin his life although it was such a short relationship! I won't miss him at all though. I like him, but not as a crush. Not even as a friend. Just as..himself. And I'm okay with that, even if I am just a girl to him.
There are plently of fish in the sea. I just really, really suck at fishing.
Love,
A
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
A letter to 'Santa'
Dear Santa Claus,
First of all, I know your a fictional character that just sneaks into houses while children are sleeping. That's freaking creepy! But since I have no life, I might as well tell you what I want for Christmas.
1.Brendon Urie (Impossible, unless you can take him to my house and have him sing to me xD )
2. A boyfriend/True Love (Possible yet not. Unless you can find me the perfect guy, I don't think you can give this to me. I kind of want the relationship to mean something AND I want him to be in a box.)
3.Books
and 4.A Healed Heart. I hope you can at least give me one of those things. Bye Mom..I mean Santa!
Love,
A
First of all, I know your a fictional character that just sneaks into houses while children are sleeping. That's freaking creepy! But since I have no life, I might as well tell you what I want for Christmas.
1.Brendon Urie (Impossible, unless you can take him to my house and have him sing to me xD )
2. A boyfriend/True Love (Possible yet not. Unless you can find me the perfect guy, I don't think you can give this to me. I kind of want the relationship to mean something AND I want him to be in a box.)
3.Books
and 4.A Healed Heart. I hope you can at least give me one of those things. Bye Mom..I mean Santa!
Love,
A
P.S. Here is a picture of #1 to just let you know
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Moving On
I literally don't know who my friends are anymore.
Today I thought someone was calling me, but nobody did. That proves how clinically insane I am. I think I am actually friends with these people but in reality, they're not. I actually think my friends would be fine without me, what's the point of staying if I don't have a good reason to?
It hurts when people say they care but they really don't. Basically, my main goal in life is to get the hell out of this town and never come back. I want to move on and forget about everyone just like they forget about me. I just want to be free, I'm sick and tired of living in this pathetic town! I don't want to be here anymore.
Since no one really cares, why can't I leave now?
Love,
A.
Today I thought someone was calling me, but nobody did. That proves how clinically insane I am. I think I am actually friends with these people but in reality, they're not. I actually think my friends would be fine without me, what's the point of staying if I don't have a good reason to?
It hurts when people say they care but they really don't. Basically, my main goal in life is to get the hell out of this town and never come back. I want to move on and forget about everyone just like they forget about me. I just want to be free, I'm sick and tired of living in this pathetic town! I don't want to be here anymore.
Since no one really cares, why can't I leave now?
Love,
A.
Monday, December 9, 2013
The New Prince
Oh No...*sigh* I need a moment......................................Ok I'm done.
Why must there be another guy in my over-complicated life? He's so sweet, but maybe too sweet.
Let's call him...Puppy. Well, I met Puppy on facebook and he was all of a sudden..nice to meet. For a second, I thought I was being Cat-fished but he is actually in my school. Shocker.
We actually have a lot in common, and he is always gives compliments to me. It was amazing!!!
But..there always seems to be disadvantages for new boys. For example, he reminds me of a lost puppy (hence the nickname). He clings to me like a retarded puppy. Every single damn day, he ALWAYS talks to me. Yes, I love the affection but can't you give a girl some space? I need to breathe! The thing is that.. he sort of gets me. I guess you can say he is my "New Prince Charming",
I can't really tell. I like him, but I don't have such powerful feelings for him. Puppy and I reminds me of me and Pear; we start off strangers, only glancing at each other while walking through the hallways. But, we start to connect together as a whole. Hopefully, like the past, we won't..you know..break.
Love,
A
Why must there be another guy in my over-complicated life? He's so sweet, but maybe too sweet.
Let's call him...Puppy. Well, I met Puppy on facebook and he was all of a sudden..nice to meet. For a second, I thought I was being Cat-fished but he is actually in my school. Shocker.
We actually have a lot in common, and he is always gives compliments to me. It was amazing!!!
But..there always seems to be disadvantages for new boys. For example, he reminds me of a lost puppy (hence the nickname). He clings to me like a retarded puppy. Every single damn day, he ALWAYS talks to me. Yes, I love the affection but can't you give a girl some space? I need to breathe! The thing is that.. he sort of gets me. I guess you can say he is my "New Prince Charming",
I can't really tell. I like him, but I don't have such powerful feelings for him. Puppy and I reminds me of me and Pear; we start off strangers, only glancing at each other while walking through the hallways. But, we start to connect together as a whole. Hopefully, like the past, we won't..you know..break.
Love,
A
Sunday, December 8, 2013
Strangers: A Letter To 'Him'
Dear Pear or 'Him',
I think this is the only time we will ever reconnect, even though you won't read this. I am just going to express all my feelings towards you, whether it's love or hate. I actually thought you would make my life better. I thought you would make me forget about all those bad things. But you didn't. You just dug that knife deeper in my heart,suffocating me for air. I just wanted to say Thank you for making my life a little more shittier than it already is. I would never do anything bad to you. I also want to say Sorry, even though you should be the one apologizing. Our relationship was so fast though, I guess to you it didn't mean anything. Although I would always cry myself to sleep because of you, I always had the urge to be with you again. I still want to be with you..but I know you won't want to. The reason you left me was because you didn't want me to get hurt...I'm hurt because of you. If you are completely over me and I still care..does that mean you never liked me? I have really bad mixed emotions for you; I hate you, but I miss you. I can't even describe our relationship now. We are not lovers, not even friends. Strangers. that's what we are. Strangers with Memories. Strangers with a past..but no future.
Love (and Hate),
A
Game Over.
I swear if there is one more new couple, I will go Sharkeisha on Everyone!
Why do people in our generation think Love is a freaking video game?! It is highly pathetic.
For Example, couples are made, they think they are going to get fucking married, their relationship ends, repeat. Like........wtf? This ain't no Super Mario game! Haven't you morons ever heard of a TRUE RELATIONSHIP? Although I haven't had one, at least I'm not dumping a bunch of guys one by one.
I actually want a real relationship, that has a very special meaning. So since guys are starting into major assholes....it's gonna take a while for me to find my true Prince. Even though my Prince is taking too damn long, as if he was riding a old turtle, I guess I'm okay with that.
Except......why do all the good guys go for the bad girls? At least the good ones won't hurt you.
Love,
A <3
Why do people in our generation think Love is a freaking video game?! It is highly pathetic.
For Example, couples are made, they think they are going to get fucking married, their relationship ends, repeat. Like........wtf? This ain't no Super Mario game! Haven't you morons ever heard of a TRUE RELATIONSHIP? Although I haven't had one, at least I'm not dumping a bunch of guys one by one.
I actually want a real relationship, that has a very special meaning. So since guys are starting into major assholes....it's gonna take a while for me to find my true Prince. Even though my Prince is taking too damn long, as if he was riding a old turtle, I guess I'm okay with that.
Except......why do all the good guys go for the bad girls? At least the good ones won't hurt you.
Love,
A <3
Wait....I'm Normal?
God..Anyone..Help Us All..
As I was doing absolutely nothing, This thought just popped into my mind :
Our Generation Is Fucked Up and We Have No Hope.
All the kids now do drugs,drink, and do something that is...weird: Twerking. I know a bunch of kids getting in trouble for hiding weed in their backpack, getting pregnant, doing all kinds of messed up things! ...And Then There's Me, I don't even get out of my room unless there is food in the fridge. My family should be grateful but NO. Instead, they complain about me not having a life..................
Well, At least I'm not smoking outside the McDonalds parking lot or starring on Teen Mom.
Love,
A
As I was doing absolutely nothing, This thought just popped into my mind :
Our Generation Is Fucked Up and We Have No Hope.
All the kids now do drugs,drink, and do something that is...weird: Twerking. I know a bunch of kids getting in trouble for hiding weed in their backpack, getting pregnant, doing all kinds of messed up things! ...And Then There's Me, I don't even get out of my room unless there is food in the fridge. My family should be grateful but NO. Instead, they complain about me not having a life..................
Well, At least I'm not smoking outside the McDonalds parking lot or starring on Teen Mom.
Love,
A
Nightmares Of Reality
Yes..I'm back. Finally!
After having the biggest nightmare ever, It came to my attention that I've been too damn lazy to write. Well..Here I am! My nightmare was..good and bad at the same time. When it comes to nightmares, mine usually consists of death. But, The dream was so real.
It took place in a Valentine's Day Dance and of course, I was the only person without a date. As I was scarfing down the food table, this 'mystery guy' ended up coming towards me. As I watch him come closer, I realize that it was Him. (I'm tired of calling the guy who broke my heart "Him." Let's call him..Pear) Anyways, long story short: Pear wanted to be with me and I kept refusing until he never stopped. Finally, I woke up screaming at the top of my lungs.
Then, I kept wondering: Was it really a nightmare after all? I mean, all I wanted for the last few months was him to be mine. Deep down inside, I actually wanted that dream to be reality.
But, It Can't. That's the sucky thing about dreaming; whether it's riding a unicorn or being with this guy, it's not really possible.
I was looking through the Internet (like always), and there is a saying that if you are dreaming about someone, that means they are thinking about me...Oh poop.
Wait..That Means Brendon Urie Is Thinking About Me..YES!
Love,
A
After having the biggest nightmare ever, It came to my attention that I've been too damn lazy to write. Well..Here I am! My nightmare was..good and bad at the same time. When it comes to nightmares, mine usually consists of death. But, The dream was so real.
It took place in a Valentine's Day Dance and of course, I was the only person without a date. As I was scarfing down the food table, this 'mystery guy' ended up coming towards me. As I watch him come closer, I realize that it was Him. (I'm tired of calling the guy who broke my heart "Him." Let's call him..Pear) Anyways, long story short: Pear wanted to be with me and I kept refusing until he never stopped. Finally, I woke up screaming at the top of my lungs.
Then, I kept wondering: Was it really a nightmare after all? I mean, all I wanted for the last few months was him to be mine. Deep down inside, I actually wanted that dream to be reality.
But, It Can't. That's the sucky thing about dreaming; whether it's riding a unicorn or being with this guy, it's not really possible.
I was looking through the Internet (like always), and there is a saying that if you are dreaming about someone, that means they are thinking about me...Oh poop.
Wait..That Means Brendon Urie Is Thinking About Me..YES!
Love,
A
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